Newsletter of the United Progress Party

  • Residents of Montreuil:

We hear from our local detachment that in spite of the obvious merits of Jean-Pierre Brard, a few muffled stragglers of subversion may be threatening to hatch and tarnish, or even sabotage his re-election to the position of mayor for the nth time. We don’t know exactly who the individuals in question are, nor what their motives may be. But we can certainly give them our answer right off the bat: there is no question that Jean-Pierre Brard, the United Progress Party’s candidate, will be re-elected. It is absolutely inadmissible in these times – what with Internet, the new economy, wireless connectivity, biotechnologies and hipster bars – that a handful of isolated dissidents with scandalously reactionary motives could disturb the plans, twenty years in the making, for our community’s modernization.

In courageously pre-empting the quasi-totality of the terrain of the Lower Montreuil region; the mayor ran a considerable risk of total bankruptcy naturally involved in any straight-dealing investment policy, and showed an unbendable will to rocket Montreuil into the 21st century. But if we want to bring this immense project of ours to a fruitful completion – office buildings in the proper imperial format, big corporations of an international scale (such as we already have with Decathlon, Ubi Soft, Disney Studios, and soon Air France), grand rectilinear avenues with numerous lanes, hotels with a world-welcoming capacity, and next to all that, sparkling new “contemporary” neighborhoods, picturesque, well museumized, and exclusive to residents of high social standing – if, in other words, we want to deserve the future, we’ll have to do our part. Because in Montreuil we have a whole parasitic population that only works in spite of their wishes to the contrary, which only barely consumes, and which offends our city’s reputation and the look of our streets. There are people living in unhealthy old buildings, and others who, in spite of all hygiene, even live collectively. People on the margins of everything. People that are out of the loop.

The healthy upsurge that Montreuil has been enjoying must not be allowed to be impeded by such residual dregs of society. Montreuil is a city made for offices and the people that work in them. A city of forward-thinking executives that are simultaneously hip and high-performance. A city of people that are comfortable in their skin and in their times, capable of handling – with a smile – having a job, a family, a heavy rate of consumption, and heavy taxation. In brief: a modern, bright, harmonious city. And those that don’t share this vision are really just a drag, you know; a real ball and chain, a bunch of lice that we’ll have to eradicate from our healthy organism. May it please public hucksters everywhere: when it comes to progress, it won’t take long for those who aren’t friends to become enemies, and so we’ll be better off nipping the problem in the bud before it’s too late…

So, get out of here, you poor people, you outmoded ones, you guttersnipes, you lovers of passing time! Just leave, you frugal spenders, you unmotivated employees, second class citizens, fake artists, lazy bums!

Get out of Montreuil you angry people you, you fight-pickers, you depressed mourners, you malcontents! We’ll make ourselves clear: we will crush your shantytowns, we’ll demolish your memories, we’ll spit on your melancholy, and on this rotten terrain we will build our great flamboyant skyscrapers and the five-star humanity that comes with them.


changed April 13, 2011